Anguished, Used, Dead.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Always

Be

My

Baby

Welcome

Friday, January 29, 2010

~~welcome~~

Fairy Tales Are Fiction.

Reality Will Kick In.

It's Up To Us.

On Which We Choose To Trust.

Life, once again, has decided to test us once more.

This time, it was possibly something that I feared the most among other difficulties that we might face.

I thought it would never happen, but it did.

One hour, one minute, one second - could be the amount of time, before and after, for it not to happen.

But it's okay.

Fate, they call it. Takdir, in the hands of Allah.

He controls everything, and I guess this was part of His plan.

It could be due to many reasons.

He might have known something bad was going to happen in the near future, thus saving her life first before anything else happens.

Maybe I might deserve anything that might happen in the future, as I've not been filial to the Creator of me.

But not her.

And maybe that's why He wanted to spare her life instead of mine, probably.

Again, fate.

All these while, fate was on our side.

Safely from point to another.

If our time was up, there and then,

it would have happened.

But it wasn't.

And that's why we're both here, standing on our very own two feet, witnessing the different stages of life.

But from now on, I guess we should not let fate decide the outcome of our lives.

By avoiding the risks of life, we prolong life itself.

Yet, the question of fate, takdir, comes about.

But better safe than sorry, I guess.

I admit it is my fault.

I want to head over there, and show myself,

to them who I have been hiding from.

And apologize, for jeopardizing the sacred creation of their love.

I will again apologize, for making them worried sick.

Apologize for causing a hairline crack in their relationship.

I would apologize on the behalf of all the people who hails from my plight,

those that rides the night with the wind.

For the shadow that they create were not as pleasant as the rays of the moon.

And this shadows haunt their very souls, with the slightest glimpse of it causes them to cringe.

Shadows, like a silhouette of, have nothing but their outlines and a black shade.

A row of similar shadows, might just be dull.

But what creates these shadows, is the answer we all should seek.

Not one is the same.

But the shadows are the easiest to spot.

And thus, they're all judged.

But that's just human.

To err is human.

And we all have to accept.

I might be along the same shadow,

but I might not be the same.

My name is Suharyanto.

I come from a decent family.

I'm not from the wealthiest of the community,

but neither am I the poorest.

I may not be religiously strong,

but I'm strong enough to want to be religious.

I may not be the most intelligent,

but I'll be close to top.

I may be Javanese, or Malay

But we're all human.

I work hard, to make many proud.

I work hard, to stand out.

I work hard, to break the status quo.

I work hard, to prove that I'm not just any shadow.

I work hard, to thank them for the creation of the Best creation love can ever make.

and I work hard, to show that I'm capable.

Capable of looking after this creation of theirs.

and then I'll see them again.

It's a promise I make.

And made.

If not,

God, take me away.

Amin.

And That's My Bottom Line

Sunday, January 10, 2010

~~welcome~~

One Step Closer To The Edge

It's a new year, a new decade.

This year is crucial, to me, to my family, to my girlfriend, and to my friends.

The A levels. A single certificate that can determine the progress of life.

Where a single slip-up can cause misery.

A misery that might lead to another.

And forever.

It's the exam that will enable me to reach my dream destination, and my parents.

The University.

I screw this up, I'll have nowhere to go.

I screw this up, and my 19 years on this Earth with my parents will be nothing more than disappointment, a mistake.

I screw this up, and the lovely wonderful relationship I'm having now with my beloved girlfriend, will cease to exist.

I screw this up, and the word Friends will be redefined to something else.

In other words, I'll be dead if I screw it all up.

To ensure I don't screw it up, here's a list of things that I came up with :

1) On a school day, always be home before 8 pm unless having extra lessons

2) Get help from Ryan for History, and Ian for Math. preferably everyday. actually, anyone also can la. hah

3) ALWAYS study with Nurul Humairaak. Ms Ong said she's a positive influence! ;)

4) Strictly no going out unless on Special Occasions. Even so, be home by 10pm.

5) If rule #4 happens to be a weekday, rule #1 applies.

6) Complete new assignments as much as I can upon receiving them. (as of 11 January 2010)

7) Sham and Shahrul will be my motivator for fitness/gym etc.

So far, that's all. I'll edit it when something new is created in my head.

and I forgot I was born on the 14th until Hiroki reminded me a few days ago, despite the fact my baby reminded me when I returned from Sarawak. Which makes me 19 this Thursday. I so don't feel like celebrating. Probably it's the AGE thing. And probably the fact that some won't remember. I don't know. I just don't feel as excited as I was exactly 365 days before. OH and probably because I'm missing the most important chalet of the year. Dynamo's. A chalet I've never missed since getting to know the bros. And now... ='(

I really wonder how it'll be like on Thursday.

And I really hope my baby is allowed out on Saturday.

Ok bye.

And That's My Bottom Line

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

~~welcome~~

I Can't Function The Same When You're Not Here

i'm leaving for sarawak in approximately 17 hours time. for 6 days. coming back only on monday. gonna miss the singapore idol finals! i really hope sylvia wins. hehe. maybe i should record it. to see how it all went. heh. i'll be flying the tiger airways. budget airlines yo! damn cheap tickets, i tell you. lol. i wonder how this 6 day holiday would be like for me. i really hope it turns out well, and have shops that sell international calling card. so i can call my baby!

i'm gonna miss you so much baby.

if only you could follow me. trust me, the room is big enough for all of us.

maybe next year, we'll be able to go on a holiday together. (i hope)

i'll be back before you know it!

don't miss me too much.

must do your work.

and no going school alone, please!

doesn't mean i overseas you no need listen to what i say ah.

hehe.

and no, i won't look at other girls.

cause the only one i'll fall head over heels for,

is Nurul Humairaak.

and that's you.

i won't even make out with any, if that's what you're worried about.

cause i don't want this relationship to be the longest.

i want this relationship to be FOREVER.

EVERYBODY KNOWS that i'm in love with you,

BUT NOBODY REALLY KNOWS just how much this love means to me.

i will definitely miss you, baby.

no matter how much fun i might be experiencing

it will be better with you around.

cause you are everything to me,

and i quote the infamous Edward,

"you ARE my life now"

i love you baby.

XOXO,

Suharyanto Sujak

And That's My Bottom Line

Friday, December 18, 2009

~~welcome~~

It's A Circle, A Mean Cycle

gosh the thought of hearing hayley williams and watching her in front of me is too overwhelming. goddess of the pop-punk scene. amazing vocals, amazing talent, amazing personality. to miss Paramore will be another big blow. just like how i missed Story Of The Year. i'll make sure i'll get that standing pen tickets. i don't care. march 7th, 2010. my A levels year. i won't know when they'll come again. i might work in the future to save money to catch them elsewhere, but i won't know if they'll disband or not. hence. i won't miss this for nuts. those who wanna join, inform me.

and i finally got to meet my baby on thursday! we wanted to do math, did a few questions, but we just couldn't get enough of each other. missing each other too much for the past few days. so we just spent time catching up with each other. watching tv, fooling around. gosh i just love my baby so much. i'm glad i have her.

soccer match tomorrow. hope i can last throughout again.

will you be there?

And That's My Bottom Line

Monday, December 14, 2009

~~welcome~~

I Need You.

Tuesday

won tickets from tabitha for singapore idol. finally able to give my baby the experience she always wanted. and i think it was all fated for this day to happen. her piano lesson postponed, i won tickets BY LUCK. heh. however, kept getting lost, but managed to reach on time. made two new friends, but didn't catch their names. had a good time hearing the vocals from the three contestants. left at 9 after the performances, and headed home. very topsy turvy day actually. but it's ok in the end.

Friday

Soccer match. played the whole 90 minutes. and i was totally worn out after that. halfway through the match, a familiar face came within my sight. my baby was there. she made it. it boosted my confidence. probably the reason why i felt less tired then i should be. though we lost 3-1, it was a match i enjoyed greatly since it was only the second match after a long long time. showered after the match, and rushed back to school with my baby for practice. my baby had to reach home early, so i broke my speed limit record to reach her place in less than 10 minutes. i think it took a toll on my bike though. gotta send it for servicing soon. but it's ok. anything for my baby. and it was a pretty rushing goodbye, as she's leaving for KL the next day. i wouldn't be able to see her till wednesday. the start of mental torture for me.

Saturday

i managed to see her! though it's just the webcam. couldn't meet her in person, but that will do. i really gotta thank the technology for that. had to off the webcam by 1pm since i had to meet the rest at 2.30pm. now i REALLY can't see her till wednesday. but i had to give a good performance later on, specially for my baby. and in fact, we all did a good job. crazy crowd, crazy performance, crazy outcome. i felt as though we were Muse or The All-American Rejects or something. but it all would have been crazier if my baby was there. FadeOut! would have been completed. and we could enjoy performing together. at the end of the performances, we went home. haider with fashiha, sufyan was on the phone with icha. and i was.. alone.. can't call can't text. gosh i felt so.. alone. i want you here. and it's only been a few hours from your departure. wonder how i'll last the next few days. reached home, showered. sat on the couch, waiting for your messages. waited till i fell asleep. you texted, but i couldn't feel the vibration. woke up at 2+, only to realise the websms session was over. was devastated. couldn't get back to sleep till about 5+. damn i miss you like crazy.

Sunday

woke up, went for a jog with shahrul. after the jog, realised i was 5 minutes late from replying my baby's message. 5 minutes! gosh... felt so useless!!! but well, guess i had to wait for her next message. chatted with shahrul for an hour plus, and headed home. went shopping with family. got a new shoes, jeans and top. headed for dinner, and then home. and finally, received your text! and i could reply! in the form of electronic words, we connected. it felt so heavenly. to be able to communicate with you even for the shortest of time, the least visible method. i was thankful. to be able to talk to you even though they were just texts. the torment my soul is going through, missing you, i believe is enough to make the whole world cry. lol. exaggerating but it's my blog i don't care. i miss you. managed to chat till 12 plus. and then we both fell asleep. and gosh i wish i could hear your voice instead. i love you so much baby.

Monday

met up with sham, and headed over to meet shahrul at his mum's canteen. got to eat his mum's cooking, for free. they were very delicious. and we chatted even more. left at 3 plus, and headed home. and all this time, waiting for her messages to arrive. next thing i realise, my phone started giving me problems. my sim card couldn't be registered. that means, no messages, no calls. what a twist of events on such a crucial period. felt disastrous. all i have left is Facebook and MSN. hoping for her to come online, is the only way i can get myself connected with her. and well, my patience paid off. she did come online. though for awhile, i managed to connect with her. i love technology. hah. and it's approximately 24hours more till she comes home!!! i'm getting more anxious as each second ticks away. i'll wait patiently. i will. GOSH I CAN'T WAIT LA FUCK! hehe. sorry. baby come home soon. i miss you. i love you.

Nurul Humairaak, the one and only. Love You.

And That's My Bottom Line

Friday, December 04, 2009

~~welcome~~

another post for today.

i finally played soccer. in the rain. felt good. only to have it all shattered withing 20 minutes of playtime. now i have a bad sprain on my right ankle. i can't walk properly. i can't climb up or down the stairs. sympathy anyone? heh.

kidding. next friday, next match. hope to recover soon. and hope my baby can be there to watch me in action. =D

And That's My Bottom Line

~~welcome~~

I Could Stay Awake Just To Hear You Breathing

last night was a special night. it was.. amazing..

to be able to hold you tight, sadly not through the whole night

watching you sleep so soundly, only for me to wake you up to get home

looking at your cute facial expressions that you make when you sleep,

no matter how unglam or how cute, you make me smile throughout.

it's like i'm communicating with you while you were asleep.

just so sweet..

i can't imagine how married couples enjoy having the privilege to hug their loves ones in their sleep and not having any fear. marriage itself is so amazing. yes there is the new in-thing of cohabiting. but the wonders of saying the wedding vows and committing your life to one another is way too complicated yet sacred to be missed out in life. i think i won't be able to stop looking at my wife when she's asleep next to me. i'll probably just stare at her, and sing Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing in my heart, stroking her hair gently, feeling her soft cheeks, kissing her cheeks forehead chin nose and lips. i might do that for hours till i myself fall asleep, with my arms still wrapped around her. again, the wonders of marriage and of course L-O-V-E.

i can't wait to get married to the one i love. to you.

before that, need to conquer Alevels, the army, get a degree in a LOCAL university, stable career, a big house, a big car, and then i'll marry you like i promised. then pursue masters and phD. and then even bigger and much more stable career. then maybe can hire maid instead of doing up duty rosters. hee.

baby i love you.

And That's My Bottom Line

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

~~welcome~~

Oasis once said "Don't Look Back In Anger"

it's not easy. seriously. no matter how patient i can get, no matter how many times i said it's ok, sometimes, it's.... gosh i don't know how to put this into words. as in, i can. i can phrase them all out into perfectly constructed sentences, but i won't. it will only cause more hurt and guilt. i shall just wade in my own pool of sorrow and sympathy and pray that i don't drown.

i won't say a thing. i won't budge for an answer for this post if prompted. i'll just stay quiet and maybe, just maybe, you'll know where i'm coming from.

when i'm really gone, don't look back in anger.

And That's My Bottom Line